I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
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God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
Good dog. ❤️
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??