I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
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I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared