I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
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Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance