I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
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If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
The morning after pill, but for tweets
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.