I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
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INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)