I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
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Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
I put the p in pants.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one