I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
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Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids