Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
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normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this