Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
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A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
Put a ring on it
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…