@sammyrhodes: I would walk 500 miles just to be the man who gets to eat these donuts.
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@juliussharpe: I was at the beach and the lifeguard blew his whistle at me. Dude, I'm 40. I'm not listening to a teenager in a bathing suit.
@EJT___: When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk. Unfortunately, I never had the chants
@therealeatwood: [Wedding] “…to join these two in holy matrimony. The Ring, please?” [Maid of Honor pops tape in VCR.] [One week later: everyone dies.]