@sammyrhodes: I would walk 500 miles just to be the man who gets to eat these donuts.
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@SamGrittner: The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
@chickenmclovin: New way to avoid pregnancy: Wear double condom with chilli powder in between. If outer breaks she will know, if inner breaks u will know.
@iwearaonesie: [texting] me: I just left and I already miss you wife *typing response* me: (can you read that to the dog for me)