@sammyrhodes: I would walk 500 miles just to be the man who gets to eat these donuts.
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@XplodingUnicorn: Went to a parade. For an hour, bored people on floats waved. For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back. It was the greatest day of her life.
@truegritrumble: ME: *pulling up my pants* What's the prognosis, Doc? DOCTOR: You've got cancer. ME: WHAT?! DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I'm not a doctor.
@shadygrenade: "Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?" *throws pineapple against grocery store wall* "Ah nuts that was a good one."