“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
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I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
Finally, an instrument I can play!
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees