Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
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you know what ruined my childhood? children
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
The Book. The Movie.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t