I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
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4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
This makes total sense…
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not