“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
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Ferrari squats
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.