If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
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If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.