*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
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Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?