My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
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I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*