I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
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Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”