@OhNoSheTwitnt: I would've been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said "I don't do romance" I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
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@MikeZakarian: Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order...with pictures.
@lawyerthoughts: I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I'm listening to stupid people.
@martyntanton: My wife told me, "I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me." I said, "You have perfect eyesight."
@VeryLonelyLuke: Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren. Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training. Me: Rey: Look. I still have two hands.