The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
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watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
me when the borders lift
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.