Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
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when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec