My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
You Might Also Like
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
Sing it!
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?