Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
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him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
This is my pinned tweet
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
My support group can outdrink your support group.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.