“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
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Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
Möther may I have a snäck
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do