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@PaperWash: "ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!"
-captain of the Titanic
@darinlovesbacon: I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
@Petote: Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We're calling the police they said
@trentistweeting: "My date was cute but he couldnt perform in the bedroom."
*cuts to me in bedroom butchering Wonderwall on guitar* i swear this never happens
@ryan_rachryan80: I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don't have finger prints anymore.
@jayonguitar: When you rob an Ikea store they probably make you put all the money in the bag yourself.