“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
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me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
Whoa 😂
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.