[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
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5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.