[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
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Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
Just grow your own
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
Schrödinger’s cookie
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.