@jonnysun: "ice, ice, baby. ice, ice, bab--no ice-- no thats definitly a babey" - man who has a job sorting babys and ice at the ice & baby factorey
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@OddMarc: I'm definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store. Oh, wait. That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt. I'm the second most successful guy.
@JimGaffigan: "Today I'm just going to wear pajamas all day." - Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
@OldSpookMan: A homeless guy asked me "would you give me $5 for a sandwich?" I said "I don't know man, show me the sandwich first."
@LoneWolfStories: Autocorrect changed smell to spell but you know what? Your spelling is horrible too.