“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
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When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
Found the job I’m suited for
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?