*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
You Might Also Like
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Those are good neighbors.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
british sex workers really pound for pound
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*