[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
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Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
How do you like your Corgi?
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts