I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
You Might Also Like
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.