i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
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STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo