I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
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My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
You had me at “define legal”.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
Cucumbers Anonymous
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?