I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
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We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.