Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
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Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?