*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
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I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.