That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
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My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
それは草
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
why I oughta
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe