I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
You Might Also Like
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting