Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
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[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Erm…
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?