I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
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therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
God, I love Scotland
Breaking news:
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
April 1st is the class clown of days.
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
oh u like history? name everything that happened
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing