In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
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My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing