FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
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I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!