I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
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My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
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MAX