“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
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COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*