WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
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This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
repaired
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now