Skills
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I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
Can’t, holding a grudge
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
I’m so full I could puke a horse
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.