The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
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Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
$4 #usedbooks
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.