“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
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toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
Peace was never an option
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….