“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
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My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
why no one uses midhusbands
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
“Sheer Arrogance”
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden