[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
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i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.