Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
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imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
Ice skating is like walking in cursive