I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
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It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
Social Media and Real life
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.