Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
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The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.